Darrenfrost.com | The Official Website of Darren Frost

Standup

Ramping and getting ready for a tour that will take me out west for the first time in a while.  Lots of towns upcoming : Oakville, Hamilton, Mississauga, Niagara Falls, Calgary, Edmonton check the tour dates for more info

My next dvd taping will still scheduled for YukYuks Toronto in June.  It will be called Soul Destroyer and it will include all the material that has gotten me into trouble the last few years.  It has been two years since my last dvd recording and a lot has happened.

Cartoons:

Currently doing lots of cartoon work on the shows Bakugan Brawlers, Stoked and the new animation show called the Adventures of Chuck.  There is some talk that i might do a few more video games voices and if I do I will update you on it here.

I know quite the cheery blog title but I think nothing sums up the last few months then that title.

First the positive:

A few weeks ago I did a great weekend in Kitchener Ontario (which for my money is the best club in the province) with Kenny Robinson and Kathleen Mcgee.  It was quite refreshing to see a club bill the show correctly..warn the people what they were about to see was not the norm.  We had some sold out shows and some not so sold out shows but I would rather play to 40 people into it then mongoloids in Kingston (I will get to that).

This would be the dream show for me to take across the country as I think that there is no one better in this country at this kind of comedy then Kenny.  For 30 years he has written some of the best political and nastiest jokes ever.  Look to the tour page for future shows with Kenny.

I posted some clips on youtube for the 400 loyal people who watch all my clips.  If you could just sent me a dollar I could pay 1/12 of my expenses for this month.

I have also changed my mind for the taping in June.  It will no longer be a cd but a dvd/cd recording.   To do all the work is almost the same anyways.  It wont be a full three hr type disc unless some crazy shit happens but it will be a good dvd all the same.  I dont put out shitty product for a reason.  I would rather wait a year then put out something I dont think is value.

I have been doing a lot of cartoon work which also pays the rent and a lot of fun to do.  Thank god they dont care what i do on stage.

Now the negative..do we really have enough time and space:

Kingston Ontario February 2010

I was looking forward to returning to the town i always have loved and done well in.  Past years I have drawn some good numbers in the town during the xrated comedy festival and I always try to bring new material.  It had been over a year since I played it last and I have about 40 new minutes since the last time and was itching for good shows.

The first friday show is top five worse shows ever…not even saying that for drama.  Undisputed

A group of twenty fucktards came in drunk and ready for a different kind of comedy show.  The total crowd was 50 so you have to be careful when a group can over power the crowd.  When a group is more then 1/3 the audience there are severe power issues that can come up.  Ask anyone that has done comedy more then ten years and they will shiver like Joe Jackson at the will reading.

As soon as the opener goes on within a minute the group is yelling and being way too loud and it is impossible for the comic to get any kind of momentum going.  He is forced to make fun of them and say stuff to then to try and quite them down.  Now this has all the ingredients to be a show where some bad shit will go down, so I am a little punchy right of the bat.

I can be honest about that.   

After you have been assaulted your radar starts to go off pretty quickly.

After about 20 minutes of this all of a sudden a guy jumps on stage and goes for the opener.  Now my rule is as soon as someone is on stage you have to do something there is zero time to wait and see.  So i am forced to run to the side stage a nd yell at the guy.  This is how the audience gets introduced to the headliner.  By me yelling

“Get the fuck off the stage”

“Easy tiny” is what he says to me

“Dont easy tiny me get the fuck off the stage”

then the guy sits back in his chair and you can see all 20 people in his group just cross their arms pretty much saying we are not going to laugh at the rest of the show.

At this point a woman gets up from their group and starts to talk to the owner in the front of the venue saying this is the worse show she ever seen and the comic sucks blah blah blah.

I walk up to her and say that he doesnt suck that they never gave him a chance with the yelling.  She doesnt get it so i say this to her

“Lets say you are a waitress and that I am your manager.  I grab a handfull of marbles and throw them on the ground then i say  back to work and dont look down”

she says “but i am not a waitress”

and you are not an analogy either you dumb stunted cunt.  I turn to leave she says

“is the headliner funny”

I turn back and she says to me “are u the headliner”

“Yes I am ”

“Are u funnier then this guy”

“No I am not and if i were you I would get the fuck out of here”

At this moment the opener is introducing my name from stage as i run “Darren FFFRRRROOOSSSTTT”

I get on stage and do a bit of a speech about how they never gave bobby a chance and they should never come on stage blah blah.  The group of 20 get up and put their coats on to leave and we exchange word which i have all on tape.  I tell them to fuck themselves and wish aids on their parents..i know i know.

They leave and the story is over …well not really.

The next day i pass the brand new police station that they have in beautiful Kingston.  I decide to go in and find out my rights since i am being threatened more and more these days.

I speak to a lady behind a bullet proof glass through a phone and she passes the call upstairs to an officer.  I explain what is happening and it goes like this

“So officer I just want know my rights if I get threatened”

“Wellll…if you are not a really good comedian ..maybe”

“Woah wait ..maybe you dont understand ..i am doing well someone heckles and put them in their place,,they are drunk and are pissed so they make it physical cause there judgement is off.”

“Well a better comedian would be able to handle a crowd..”

WTF.  AT this point my ego is getting in the way andf i want to scream “I am funny …do i need to go over my credits to add validity to my question..do you know youtube”

Then he starts to quote the law for me

“Section 237 of the criminal code states that if someone utters a threat that you percieve to be real then you should call the police”

Something like that but it sounded good so he kept talking so i listen

“If you feel endangered blah blah blah”

Ok good to know

“Or if someone steals a small animal of yours like a small bird and utters threats”

I was like WTF are you talking about.  Stop the talking when the law does not apply to me.  What are you going to do read me all the laws in the book officer

Where did the bird come from…and if they steal the bird and i am not funny do i get the bird back.  If I am a hack do they get to kill the bird.

Do you know that movie moment where there is a guy who is so angry on the phone he just wants to smash the end on the table over and over?

I wanted to give the guy the finger and say here is your little fucking bird.

I have never been that guys who hates cops.  I have met some super cool cops in my day but now before i talk to any cop i am going to bring a small laptop with me and show some youtube clips to the officer to get the answers i need.

This is the road kids get ready for it

Goodbye 2009 and for most performers it was not a good year but for me it was a good year.   Lots of cartoon voices and other work outside of comedy to make me remember it aint all dick jokes.

Now this will be a year that i hope to add some more content from my old dvds. I am currently sitting on a ton of material i am bored with and will upload to force me to get rid of it.  I am also in the planning stages of recording a new cd for june.  Why a cd  and not a dvd you ask?   Well it is easier and cheaper to do it and that is it really.   The dvds take me six months of planning and worrying about everything where a cd is fast and dirty which i like.

I will still film the taping night cause you never know it might work out that i could do a cheaper dvd and just sell it for only 10 bucks but i know me…if I get a plan in my head it will be a 8 hr extravaganza.

This will also be a year of less touring and more writing.  So if you live on a coast I am sorry I dont think i will be in your hood in 2010.  With the arrival of my third son it just makes life very difficult to tour and I aint getting any younger.  I am 40 next january and father time is ticking away..there are only so many jokes about hypocrisy that you can make before it is the old “you kids get off my lawn” or please buy my tshirt so i have a retirement plan.

Also not to play the pity card too much with the kid thing but i was recently having a lot of health issues.  I now have found out that i have arthritis.  It aint going to get any better for my one hip.  When the doctor told me i had to drink more milk I said

“milk what the fuck is that i am a touring comic ..can’t I just pour aspartame on it or something”

At least i know what is wrong now..after a ct scan,  mri and then nose raped ..its a long story… see me live to hear it.  Hopefully  you can learn from my mistakes and eat better.  In the 90’s I use to eat mcdonalds hamburgers so i wouldnt get scurvy cause of the vitamins from  the pickles.

Look I dont want to be the one to say “stay off the drugs” and “stay in school” bullshit, but I aint no waling endorsement of taking care of myself either.  Just because i am straight edged doesnt mean i dont have problems.   I am so lazy that in the 90’s i had athletes foot for ten years just so i had something to do everyday

Speaking of the 90’s and thing i used to do….some of you might be glad to know that the documentary I appeared in last year for discovery is on all air canada flights so if you are flying check it out.  I just found this out and am not really happy since I admit that I eat cum on that thing.  They filmed me for four full shows…hours of material and what do they use… the old cum eating line I use to piss a crowd off at the end of the show. When shown in context it might be seen as funny ..out of context i am just a cum eater.  Lets just say i wondered why so may pilots looked at me strange in halifax airport.  Now I know

So what i am trying to say is lets hope that the next decade they can cure: cancer..arthritis…. athletes foot and cum eating before the asteriod smashes into us and makes the mayans scream told you so when it is too late.

Look for my year end wrap up in the blog sometime in the middle of january.

If you have time and want a cheap xmas gift go check this out

http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-cds-dvds-blu-ray-Darren-Frost-Comedy-DVD-W0QQAdIdZ174992908

cheers

frosty

Well my episode of the debators will be airing this weekend at 1pm.  Come listen to me argue the pro’s of anger.

CBC RADIO 1

Sat Dec 12 1pm

Also a little quick reminder that if you are in the kitchener area that I will be headlining the Yuk Yuks festivities,  I generally do a run down of the whole year in terms of material and I hope they like it a little edgy in ol berlin.

For more info go to yukyuks.com

So since I am having a third child I decided to go and look on how I am doing to keep up with the rest of the worlds birthrates.

Turns out that that I am having double the rate for my country.  The Canadian national average is 1.52 where the .52 are reality tv stars waw waw.   When you look at it based on religion something interesting happens. The average muslim has over 5 children and based on religion, islam is the fastest growing religion.  Some predict that by 2050 that the world will be predominantly muslin if current birth rates continue.

That is why i dont understand terrorism …if they were just patient they will be running the world without doing anything but living and breeding..plus they wont have to rebuild anything they once blew up.  I am lazy..to me you are just creating work you dont have to do ..it is like cutting your lawn in winter.   Of course not all muslims are terrorists and it is sad that a few bad apples blow it for the rest of them.

I will say this about terrorists they are committed to a cause and i can at least appreciate that.  They are willing to give up their lives for what they beleive, in some cases as young as late teens.  Where in north america we cant even get our kids to committ to abortions:

“next week we will do it baby ..grand theft auto 4 comes out this week and we are a little strapped..were not at the third trimester yet”

They are also doing it for a higher cause.  There is the arguement that they are doing it to receive the virgins in heaven and make alah proud but at least they are not doing for monetary gain like criminals in north america.  Plus they are willing to make the ultimate sacrifce for what they believe in by taking thier own life.  When was the last time you heard someone was going to rob a bank and run in screaming:

“everyone on the floor and you start filling this bag or i am going to take this gun and shoot myself in the face…do it I am not fucking around right in the face where the only hope for a career is if they shoot a sequel to Mask with cher..come on people not fast enough I am starting to put the gun in my mouth”

Standup: New Five from Halifax new talent night wednesday November 18th

Best Of Corktown Podcast Eps 13

So I did my third eps of CBC Radio the Debators and it was a lot of fun.  The topic was Anger and how we need to rid ourselves of it.  Of course I took the side of the arguement that we need anger in our lives and that it is a basic human emotion that we can not get rid of.  It wasa great debate with a funny comic named Rebecca Kohler. 

Believe it or not it was not easy for me to fight this side of the arguement.  In the past I had topics you can research and do jokes on pretty easy: censorship and Somalian Pirates.  Anger is not so black and white ..pro or con.   So you have to step out of your comfort level in standup and now try and make valid points while still trying to bring the haha.

This show is the best show for comics to do in Canada cause it is the only one that lets comics be comics in their own way and style.  Most shows try and force you to be what you are not …or change your act and style so much cause of the confines of tv.  This show only asks you to make points and keep to time.

The one problem is thatafter the research it can be hard to fit all you have to do in 13 minutes for the debate.  I had tons of jokes that didnt even make it into the debate.  The whole point is you write 20 jokes on the topic and then you record maybe ten of them.  Then the audio guys cut the show down in length so maybe five of your good jokes stay in.

So I thought i would post some of the material that was not recorded but I may do a rant on anger in my act and these may or may not get in

It’s a cliché but true whenever you see a report of a someone finding 18 heads in a freezer they always say the guy was a kind man a quiet man.  That is why you are never going to find 18 heads in my freezer..cause I am that angry and I deal with my anger  and my freezer is too small..there will be twelve and they will be russian that fit inside each other

Some of the greatest pieces of art was created in anger and then was used to create something groudbreaking.  Where would rock and roll be without anger.. Anger is rock and roll and everything else is just easy listening you ever tried to headbang to miley cyrus ..actually that might help..where would alanis morrisette be without anger..singing itsy bitsy spider in malls in saskatoon. 

Anger management is just a joke for celebrities to use to make it look like they are doing something about their anger but really they are just paying off the man…where is passive management classes…a room ful of canadians and swiss trying to get through a doorway “no after you ..no I insist after you”

How do you get rid of the tension….so are we going to open more massage parlours or what I like to call  ”Anger Management” massages for guys to release that tension with “angry endings”…..if so I am all for it.

The episode will be on the show in the coming months and when i hear it if there are any of the ten jokes not used then i will change this post.

The show airs on cbc radio one saturday mornings at 1 pm and wednesdays at 11:30 am

Oh the drama

So after day one of a western tour, I thought things would flatline a little.  It can never be easy

So we drive the two hours to Calgary and make jokes at every small town we drive through.  We are doing a big show that night for a radio station in a venue that is way bigger then the event.  This can be the kiss of death for any show.  People in a venue that doesnt know comedy will be on especially when it is a big sports bar and this is Calgary.  They take their sports seriously.  Now if you know anything about me you know I hate sports guys.  It is built into the system for me. These are the guys who use to beat the fuck out of me during high school and now they are bald wearing jerseys like fan boys.  Not all of them, I know that but the ratio of douchbags for me goes up at sports events.

That is why when people ask: why I am so pro gay?  It is cause no gay guys ever did shit to me.  No one ever ever said to me right before dunking my head in a toilet bowl

“what do you think of erasure or the new depeche mode cd”

I know: why did I take the gig then..well the money was good and I was told they wanted dirty comedy.  Plus I am not stupid in thinking that I need to get over some shit from my past.  So I take the gig

We get to the gig after the rock show lethbridge was and we right away notice that this is not gonna be good. The venue is huge and can hold around a 1000 people and our event is only 200 tops.

Before the show we are told that the owner of the venue (not the booker) is worried that there will be too much bad language.  We are told by the booker to do what we do and just keep the swearing to a mimimum.  We can use some F Bombs.

Now let me stop right now..whenever anyone calls it an F Bomb you are fucked right there.  When it is just you and me and you still use the code then maybe no F Bombs should be the rule but i digress.

So they start the show and they start giving out tons of really amazing prizes like tickets to flames games and then a right before i go on a trip to cuba.  Yeah they want to see me after that “Hey everyone here is the all inclusive trip to cuba and now a short fat  F Bomb to yell at you”  This is one reese cup where the ingredients dont mesh..this is more shit and vomit then chocolate and peanut butter….

So I go on and I dont lie I actually do pretty well and start to build some momentum.  Now I am opening the show for the other comic so my job is to set the rules and get some laughs and try and get them into it as much as i can. I say some F Bombs here and there and I do my thirty minutes to applause breaks and laughter.

After I end I feel pretty good about it but then the trouble begins.  The other comic comes up to me and says that I have to follow him to the front of the club right now.  Now whenever something like this happens I am automatically concerned that I am in some kind of physical danger as I did make fun of some audience members and they are drunk.

Turns out that the owner of the bar is quite upset with the content and the booker doesnt know if the other comic can go on.  I understand the problems from both points of view: the owner does not want to piss off the other hundreds of patrons with our potty mouths and the booker wants to give a show that his people want to see.  It is just another shitty situation I am involved with.  Now i  It just seems that when i tour now I have this huge shit magnet set to full and the human body can only handle so much shit before it comes out one way or another.

Luckily for me i had not reached my full shit intake and after the other comic goes on and kills everyone is happy.

The moral of the story kids is make sure you have a high tolerance for fecal matter before you go on the road cause it dont get any easier it just tastes less and less like chocolate.

Bye Bye miss american bowl

So last night i performed in Lethbridge Alberta with Aaron Berg to five people total if we dont count employees.

The set up was in a bowling alley that screamed death but once we got there and saw the room was actually one of the best set up rooms I have seen.

There are many problems in this town i guess with meth and other drugs.  It has hit the town pretty hard.  This is pretty much what went down.

I get to the stage after Aaron does 45 minutes of chatting with the crowd and riffing.  So i go into some material but of course there is a drunk guy there who is not an asshole but when there is 5 people you have to go with the flow.  He starts to yell at me pretty quickly like this

“Blah Blah coke on my dick”

Somehow in the exchange he brings up santa clause and I ask him if that is what he is the town drunk santa and that he cant wait for xmas to get there so he can have little boys on his lap and ask them what they want for xmas

He thinks I ask him what he wants for xmas so he yells

“Red Lobster”

I said

“you telling me your biggest gift you could get is a red lobster…most people want millions of dollars or something life altering and all you want is to get ass cancer from shitty shrimp.  That way you can sit in your wheelchair at xmas and ask the young boys what they want for xmas and keep eating shitty shrimp”

This gets somewhat of a laugh from three people ..yeah more then have the room.

Then the guy gets up and postively heckles me and walks out

“You’re pretty good buddy”

I continue the show and it turns into some kind of staring match where i start to get a little crazy and they i say this

“I know aaron brought up the meth problem and hope the kids get off it..see i see the world differently then aaron…i hope more kids here turn to meth…I hope your whole town turns to meth so that way eventually it will just disappear.  Gone from the map totally”

Now the only people who pretty much laugh at this are the guy who runs the room, aaron and a guy who is old enough to understand that kind of anger.  He is 54 and already has told the room he wishes he never had kids with his daughter sitting right next to him.

I look at him whne he laughs at the meth line and say to him

“you like that one cause you are old enough to see the beauty in that line…you are angry enough to understand the frustration of what is going on here…all you young people still have hope and think it will all be ok but i am old enough to know that we are all swimming in a vat of piss looking for apples juice…me and this guy are old enought to accept the fact we are going to swallow piss for the rest of our lives and you youngins still are trying to build up a tolerance to piss”

the shows ends very awkwardly which i am very good at and then we sit at the bar and are told from the five that they really enjoyed the show and that they hope we come back.  The dad in me just wanted to rub their teary dead eyes and say try not to swallow too much piss kid.