Thu, Jan 1, 2009


  So I thought maybe now I am 35 I would leave the nerd stage behind and move into creepy old man with van and candy stage. This is a commercial that is currently airing in the early part of 06. The premise is get more for less…they bring me in “less” and the guy switches me for a small parcel. I am the epitomy of less. My high school theatre teacher would be proud. Hey forget pinter plays…self deprecation for whore money is where it is at.
Shaftsbury Beer:
Zombie Spot
  So a bunch of comics got together and we entered a commercial competition for a western beer company. The idea of the spot is that the world is over and that zombies are chasing this one guy and while the chase is on they stumble across beer and take a bit of a break. We didn’t win but I will try and post the spot by the end of the month.  
The Listerine Action Hero
  Oh the gold Jerry. I was not the first Listerine bottle and I will not be the last. I like to call myself the Val Kilmer of the series. Broody and hard to work with. For those who do not remember or understand this is for you. A guy thinks Listerine is the action hero for your gums and makes a costume and tries to hook up with Adam West at a book signing. This was my first time in the bottle and two more commercials followed. They replaced me with someone for the last commercial
and I just hope they did not febreeze the suit because I had a rash. These commercials were fun since I made good money and no one rarely recognized me. Then I learned a valuable lesson…commercials are just a bandage on a head
wound. They mean nothing in the bigger picture of your career. You cannot build a career out of mascots although I tried for years.  
Listerine Animated    
  The second spot that I did as the bottle. They took my head and animated it for the commercial. From this one client I have been a mascot a commercial and an action figure. They made three thousand bobble heads with my head on it for promo. I can almost die a happy Canadian celebrity. I mean who can say they have had an action figure. Maybe the littlest hobo.  
Hermes Microsoft
  Another big spot that rarely ran. Why is it that the good ones never run for long. I was painted gold head to toe in the heat of the summer and gallivanted all over town. I hope to one
day post this spot here if Microsoft will let me …yeah NOT. This had the famous line “Herpes get back to work!”  
 Labatt Blue Demo
  When directors have time off or need to create stuff to fill a portfolio they shoot demo spots. I have been in a few and this was
my first if I remember correctly. It is a cute spot with a guy who cannot believe he is here on the alter. Kinda like what am I doing with my life at the moment. Fourteen hours later the free spot was finished and no I did not get to keep the tux.  

  This was another spec spot for a director who had some down time. It is a funny spot in the old school ways. It was a street joke that was made into a commercial. The other guy in the spot is Derek Thompson a funny comic and actor. The guy brings in his dead dog for some tests. I bring in a dog and cat o sniff the body and then charge him $650 for the LAB work and CATscan. I know… I know.
Leons – Valentines
  Another big spot for me. This is the one commercial I get recognized the most for. A guy comes to the door with candy then flowers and finally a couch on his back to woo a girl. I actually almost got into a fight with a guy and then he recognized me and asked me how to get into the business. I even called him on it. “We were going to go, and now you want to know how to get an agent” Gotta love show biz.
Ontario Lottery: Cash For Life Fairy  
  Yes… I know what you are saying…what another FUNNY costume. Hey they were nice, and I worked with a director who was there in the beginning of Saturday Night Live. To be honest we all know I get a kick out of spreading my fungus around the country…I pity the regional cash for life fairy. I also had a print campaign where I was in every convenience store which can be odd when you go in to buy porn.
This was a big campaign in Alberta only in 1998. There were two spots with me doing plays with a knife/fork in a diner and popsicle sticks on a bus. I have to admit they are pretty funny and I still use one on my demo reel where normally people shy away from that kinda stuff on their reels. I won a Bessie award for Best Actor in a Commercial in Canada at the nationwide advertising awards that year due to these spots.There I was, the bright lights of an award show and listening to spike lee tell me how great Nike was. I had to actually go up and say something as a thanks. All I could say was “My mom always said ‘You have a misshaped head you should be on tv’. I thank her and accept this award for every misshaped headed actor” Then they did a print campaign to match the commercials. That is what the second pic is from. If you still are receiving this in the mail please let me know…they have to pay me for that kinda thing.
The Bell Dime    
  Five commercials in one day. Yes once again I donned a piece of plastic and was seen running around the streets of Toronto. The thing about these commercials is they only ran for one month but people think they ran for a year since they aired during survivor and everyone saw the shit out of them. The director was cool and so were the agency people. We even did a few shots of me just wandering around with real people and no one said anything like it was a normal day in big old Toronto. If you notice I am talking to a young boy who is the same boy who played my son in the MRA pig commercial.
Adelphia Cab    
  One of the worst commercial shoots I have had in a long time. I had to recite this hideous line over and over again. The premise is two guys fishing and one is talking about fishing line and the other is talking about cable line. So when the guy asks me what kind of line am I using, I say “Broadband
coaxial with interconnective options offering a multitude of connections”… or something like that. Do you see the funny… The one thing about this commercial is CBC was doing a little documentary on the fact that the same people are
seen in commercials over and over again. So hey profiled a bunch of actors including me and then in the end I got it. That damn CBC is always right.
Canadian Tire    
  This was the same director as the Ring My Bell campaign for Molson that I did. Four average joes shopping at Canadian tire to the song Hey Big Spender. When we were shooting we were supposed to pick up these drills and walk out of shot but my got stuck and almost pulled the whole rig down. They all laughed and they kept that in the commercial. Oh can’t ya just taste the unexpected. Fun shoot, for two days as they filmed the version for Montreal at the same time. The difference between the two spots was that we looked like the guys from deliverance (who is ned beaty you choose) and the guys from Quebec looked like they came form a model shoot from Milan. Canadian Tire in Quebec……car lube and anal lube all in one store. There was a second spot that was four women who were supposed to be our wives but to be honest they were too hot for us guys. I mean they should have had more bingo wives then Holt Renfrew.
Future Shop    
  This was the first commercial that I realized I had a money shot. This was a commercial with fishing and a guy (me) accidently hooks his line around a ghettoblaster and launces it into the water. After the box hit the water I rolled my eyes from side to side in a nervous twitch and the rest is history. I have used that in almost all of my commercials since. This was famous since it ran during the last Seinfeld in Canada.
Casino Rama    
  This was a commercial for a local casino near Toronto. The spot entailed a limo driver driving the stars like Micheal Bolton and Kenny Rogers to the casino where they were scheduled to perform. The driver lets go of the wheel and the car goes underwater …through a field and jungle etc. Don’t get too excited ..I did not get to work with these musical greats. Cest La Vie
  This was shot for Italy only and was a Halloween spot. The premise is they scare the girl at the door and then she drops her beer and we get scared. It was quick and directed by the same guy who I did the leather chef with. They had a karokee
machine during breaks and that was one of the first times I belted out Sweet Child O Mine. I have some footage of me as the leather chef doing it as well and may post it later in the year.
  I shot three spots of me doing bad standup about furniture. Like this one “Why did Jerry Hall need new furniture…she got rid of her old rocker!!!” You try selling that over and over.
Labatt Blue Light    
  This is the one commercial I have made the most from. It played in the us during hockey season for two years. It had a hockey playing bear in net. I am chosen after the bear for teams. Like
said LOSER… I get paid to be a LOSER. Where is the love people?
  This is a commercial for a roofing company in the States. I had to get my hair dyed and a fake nose put on. I actually freaked out when they did the face plaster cast. The premise is the three little pigs go shopping for a roof and the big bad wolf
wants them to buy cheap roofing. The big bad wolf was played by Julian Ritchings.
Molson Ring My Bell    
  This was my first commercial campaign and only my second spot. It was two commercials that ran in the summer of 98 I believe. It had the song ring my bell throughout both commercials. In the second spot they actually had hot girls around me. I even thought…. wow I could maybe score with these ladies but then I realized they just wanted me to be their fat friend who made them laugh. So I danced like a monkey and had a great time. They made a third in the series but I was busy selling my ass for gutterball alley.
Swiss Chalet    
  I know what you are thinking…how could a short, overweight, balding actor ever play an elf. Have you not heard of the method actor. For thirteen days I went to Santa’s Village in Bracebridge and talked to the summer employees and found out elves like gin. The spot was a xmas spot where the mail from Swiss Chalet got mixed up with Santa’s. I had one line “Toblerone Bar”. That was it. Cut to three years later and I am getting my haircut and the person cutting it asked if I was an elf in a commercial and recited the line. The weird part is I never said I was an actor he just asked. Talk about odd but his breath smelled like gin so you never know. The overall importance of this spot is that it was my first and I am welling up with tears just thinking about it. Commercials are like little babies and some unlike this one should be youthanized.    
  This is a spot where I played a yellow pages delivery guy and people throw them out of the window of their high rise cause no one uses phone books anymore due to the net. This was my first US national spot and everyone said get ready Darren this is the big time you are going to make big money. They call it Fuck You Money. Well when everything was said and done it was more like Fuck Me money. I could afford a better brand of tissue paper to jerk off in and that was about it. Not complaining just the way it was. They shut down part of Adelaide street in downtown Toronto during rush hour for two days. Can you fucking believe it. When you have American money you can do whatever you want.
ATA Airlines    
  ATA Airlines (me and Sean Cullen…the pic of me looking angry and a guy makes a funny face). This spot was done with the famous Sean Cullen. These were done in Montreal a few years ago right when Sean Cullen was being billed as the next big thing in comedy. For once I got to be the straight guy and he had to be the dancing monkey. Ohh monkeys… don’t get me thinking again.
Cache Valley Cheese    
  This spot was shot years ago and was a weird spot. It came back and is currently running in Utah. Hey who new that mormons buy cheese I thought they made it themselves.

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