Thu, Jan 1, 2009


Kojak   Who loves ya baby… nobody. So I had a really nice scene in the new kojak series that starred ving rhames. My scene was one where I played a convicted terrorist and an expert on bombs. For the auditioned I knew something was up when one of the producers would not even look at me when it was done. They just all kinda sat there and were creeped out .. I mean that in a good way. It is still kinda weird to walk out of a room where they all looked like they just witnessed the worst audition of all time. It was fun to shoot and the other actor kept saying during the shoot that i was really creeping him out. When you go look under creepy in the dictionary there will always be a little bag with my dna in it so when I die people still will be able to see what creepy is in the flesh.
Toronto Show   So this is a picture of why I should noo wear baby blue ever again. What was I thinking. This is a show that showcased toronto talent to twenty street kids in a warehouse. Seriously that was the audience on my taping night….the only people laughing was the crew cause they were old enough to understand sarcasm which is one of the easiest forms of comedy to get..who knew not for kids. Literally I am bombing and actually loving it cause I knew the material was good but these kids were not fans of it. I tried to sing … I tried to laugh… I tried to sell some kid some hash but no go. I was someone’s dad trying to pick them up at a kegger… dirty and sweating.
Comedy Now   Ok so here we go… settle in for this one. So this was my big comedy special where I watered it down so much it is see through in certain parts of the country. When you do tv for standup it is a give and take thing. I gave a lot for little in return. Other then being able to say to my child hey lets look what daddy did all those years ago before he gave up. You will never be happy with these kinds of shows cause editing really kills standup shows. They put jokes in that I was surprised and left ones out that killed and were tv clean. Hopefully when they run out of other people and realize that people like angry dirty comedy there will be another one. And when that times comes if I am not in a home for the diseased and aged..just look for me in the basement of my house writing romance novels. That is the future for me… fabio and me down by the schoolyard.
Gutterball Alley    

The show that could literally end all shows. The world is going to hell in a hand basket. I was a writer and actor on this “game
show” The show to see what would young people do for 50 bucks. Kinda like definition on acid or Let’s make a Deal with anal leakage. I did things on this show that my child is going to be ashamed of. To be honest that is why I did it. I will do anything as long as I feel it is funny. Anything. My crack whore character was used many times and some new ones were created. Helga the east german dog trainer. I cannot remember the name of the S&M chick. It is all a blur. I felt like heidi fleiss on the set of Hot Shots 2. Nudity…shocking rape references… nothing was to far for gutterball. It still airs on the comedy network and now on some network in the US. The least amount of money for shaking my ass. We all start somewhere. This is the one of the only things my parents ever asked why I did it. Yeah they are really proud of me… forty grand on a business education and I make out with strangers and let old women milk my tits. It’s all homo baby.
  This was a show that was supposed to introduce Canada to a bunch of new emerging sketch troupes. I was in a group called Lame and Shooter with Tony Krolo, Winston Spear, Ian Sirota, Ophira Eisenberg and Tim Goodall. We had one episode with four sketches. It turned out really well and the three people who saw it loved it. The CBC screwed with the times and the show had no chance. The producers were the Airfarce guys. Up till that point, the biggest check in show business for one gig. I hope to post the sketches one day somewhere but I am not really in it much so fuck it. 
Timothy Goes To School    
  The first animation that I was a regular on. It is aimed at preschoolers and was a huge hit. To this day when people find out that I was one of the Franks on the show they freak out and ask for my autograph. Kids love the Franks because they get into trouble all the time. To be honest my voice sounds like a retarded dog anda well paid one at that. The show taped for two years and there are only 26 episodes of it but it is played often. If you came to the website cause of my affiliation with the show then I apologize now for all the content that is not very Timothy like.
  This is a cartoon that originated in Japan and was re-dubbed for North America. I played various roles on it over the course of the 102 episodes. My main character is in the pic to the right…Sloan the little fat kid with a hat. I always end up with the characters that somehow look like me. I mean for years people said I looked like Bobby from King Of The Hill but enough was enough.
The War Next Door    
  This was a series for the USA network that was based on the Spy vs Spy comics of Mad magazine. I played a guy who just realizes he is gay right after going through a life changing moment. No research needed…I did not know what kind of character I was playing till I got to the set so the surprise was real. METHOD ACTOR for hire.
La Femme Nikita    
  I played a creepy doctor on the show for the USA network. For my audition I just had to do a few lines and stare creepy like to the camera. Hey if there is one thing I have mastered it is creepy. This was the second last episode of the show so people on the set where a little bummed but like any Canadian actor I was just happy I could pay rent.
After Hours    
  This was a show that was developed by a great Canadian comic named Kenny Robinson. It was a sketch show that was aimed at the four urban kids outside of Toronto. It was an edgy show with supposedly edgy comics doing standup. I did an episode where I appeared in the sketches. One of the funnier sketches I played a boyfriend to Nikki Payne. If you have never heard of Nikki she is a great comic from the east coast who is ripping it up in the clubs. We played internet swingers who tried to woo Kenny and his wife for some “fun”. We played it up for all it’s humpiness glory. The show lasted only one season. Kenny is still one of the greats of standup and anyone who like political humour should check him out.
Mike Bullard    
  Oh the stories I could tell. I have not been a guest on the Mike Bullard show since October 98 for bullshit politics of the business. Well at first it was politics, then it became fuck it I don’t need the MB show. When the show was in development the producers and mike approached me to be the Larry Bud of their show. Be the dancing monkey/wacky guy who does all the crazy stuff. I said sure and even did a few things in the beginning for free because I was friends with Mike and I wanted the show to be a success.That is where the picture of me in my boxers comes in. I use to box amateurs off stage at comedy clubs when they go long and the head writer saw me do it. So he wrote a bit where I was given away to an audience member who could tell the best joke. It was a pretty funny bit. I was supposed to act wacky after each joke and I punched myself after  one and fell on the ground. There was a sharp pain after I got up but stayed in character all show. At the end of the show they had the band that was on that night pile on top of me. Sure sounds cute but when I fell at the beginning of the show I actually cracked a rib so after the show I had to go to the hospital and get checked up.

After a bunch of bullshit I appeared on the show as a standup where I killed during the set and did panel. I spoke to Mike pre-show and told him we should tell the one story that always cracked mike up. Mike and I were in Windsor and on an hotel elevator going to the top floor. Halfway up, an old women gets on board and as we continue up she turns to mike and says “what is wrong with your kid”. Mike almost chocked he was laughing so hard and I laughed as well once the lady left the elevator.

Sounds like a cute show biz story but of course it was not meant to be. When I spoke to mike pre-show I told him I will tell the story and he can have the punch line “hey what is wrong with your kid”. He said great and away we went butonce we got to the story he fucked up the line and said “how old is your little boy” What the FUCK…..I mean I know he is under stress of the show but if you cannot do the line leave it to me. Sure the line is still funny but not as funny as the right line. Mike said he just blanked on the line and made it up.

That still is my only appearance on the show. Later we pulled a stunt on the show when the show was rude to the Gutterball gang. I ran out with some t-shirts as Mike interviewed Wade the host. All I had on was a shirt wrapped around my waist and I threw out t-shirts to the audience and left the one around my crotch for Mike. I ran up to Mike and pulled it off and threw it on his head. You should have seen his face….I will never forget that face. It was worth it. Sorry to the four people in Saskatoon who watched the show.

  Well it was only a matter of time for me to appear on this show. This episode was directed by Bruce Macdonald. I played a Go train employee, this role was the shortest one for me. Less then three seconds screen time. This also was the fattest I ever looked on screen. No more ties and high collars. During lunch I tried to sell Wheels some smack.
Ed The Sock    
  Since I am friends with the human host Craig Campbell, I was approached by the Sock people. They wanted me to sit in a hot tub with porn stars for the entire episode. Two problems… one I am not a huge fan of porn stars and two, the water was cold. So the only way I thought it would be funny is for me to play it scared. So I spent the whole episode trying to stay away from the “ladies”. During the commercial breaks they kept trying to make me relax.”Don’t be shy…We are not going to touch you anywhere you are not comfortable with….Do you like girls”

The “ladies” never knew the gag til the end. The other guy who won thought he was in heaven the whole time. One of the Ladies recognized me at the end and asked me to sign something for her husband. The pics tell a thousand words. I could have sold the water on ebay.

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