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Oh the drama

So after day one of a western tour, I thought things would flatline a little.  It can never be easy

So we drive the two hours to Calgary and make jokes at every small town we drive through.  We are doing a big show that night for a radio station in a venue that is way bigger then the event.  This can be the kiss of death for any show.  People in a venue that doesnt know comedy will be on especially when it is a big sports bar and this is Calgary.  They take their sports seriously.  Now if you know anything about me you know I hate sports guys.  It is built into the system for me. These are the guys who use to beat the fuck out of me during high school and now they are bald wearing jerseys like fan boys.  Not all of them, I know that but the ratio of douchbags for me goes up at sports events.

That is why when people ask: why I am so pro gay?  It is cause no gay guys ever did shit to me.  No one ever ever said to me right before dunking my head in a toilet bowl

“what do you think of erasure or the new depeche mode cd”

I know: why did I take the gig then..well the money was good and I was told they wanted dirty comedy.  Plus I am not stupid in thinking that I need to get over some shit from my past.  So I take the gig

We get to the gig after the rock show lethbridge was and we right away notice that this is not gonna be good. The venue is huge and can hold around a 1000 people and our event is only 200 tops.

Before the show we are told that the owner of the venue (not the booker) is worried that there will be too much bad language.  We are told by the booker to do what we do and just keep the swearing to a mimimum.  We can use some F Bombs.

Now let me stop right now..whenever anyone calls it an F Bomb you are fucked right there.  When it is just you and me and you still use the code then maybe no F Bombs should be the rule but i digress.

So they start the show and they start giving out tons of really amazing prizes like tickets to flames games and then a right before i go on a trip to cuba.  Yeah they want to see me after that “Hey everyone here is the all inclusive trip to cuba and now a short fat  F Bomb to yell at you”  This is one reese cup where the ingredients dont mesh..this is more shit and vomit then chocolate and peanut butter….

So I go on and I dont lie I actually do pretty well and start to build some momentum.  Now I am opening the show for the other comic so my job is to set the rules and get some laughs and try and get them into it as much as i can. I say some F Bombs here and there and I do my thirty minutes to applause breaks and laughter.

After I end I feel pretty good about it but then the trouble begins.  The other comic comes up to me and says that I have to follow him to the front of the club right now.  Now whenever something like this happens I am automatically concerned that I am in some kind of physical danger as I did make fun of some audience members and they are drunk.

Turns out that the owner of the bar is quite upset with the content and the booker doesnt know if the other comic can go on.  I understand the problems from both points of view: the owner does not want to piss off the other hundreds of patrons with our potty mouths and the booker wants to give a show that his people want to see.  It is just another shitty situation I am involved with.  Now i  It just seems that when i tour now I have this huge shit magnet set to full and the human body can only handle so much shit before it comes out one way or another.

Luckily for me i had not reached my full shit intake and after the other comic goes on and kills everyone is happy.

The moral of the story kids is make sure you have a high tolerance for fecal matter before you go on the road cause it dont get any easier it just tastes less and less like chocolate.